December 11, 2015
San Jose, Costa Rica
ON EXPAT LIFE AND COMING BACK HOME FOR A LONGER WHILE THAN USUAL.
(Is a “while” the same as a holiday in this cases? Hmmm…bear with me, please.)
My brain is not as awake as I’d like it to be these days but it’s getting there. I’m just too full of emotions and it’s probably difficult to process them all, even more if trying to understand them. Right now maybe I just shouldn’t. I don’t know.
But there’s an old thought that I want to bring up and it’s about the flow of feelings.
There’s a lesson in everything, but most of all: there’s a feeling in everything.
Having feelings is a wonderful thing. Even more is when being able to sense them, recognise them and let them flow as the chest needs to. It’s an act of strength and self-love to speak feelings out from our heart, brains and soul.
As much as it is amazing to sense them, it is also a wonderful thing to be a good listener of someone else’s feelings. That’s an act of patience and love.
Which brings me to three lessons on feelings:
1. Talking about your feelings rules.
2. Listeners rule.
3. Communication rules.
It’s never enough and there’s always a way to make communication better, and there’s always the opportunity to get better at it on the way too. Any effort is as good and healthy as any.
I’M PACKED WITH FEELINGS LATELY.
2015 has been an intense and great year, but more than that, it’s been the most amazing roller coaster I’ve been on. So many things (and feelings) that I can’t even begin to count them or recognise them all. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to do that when there are so many of them.
I just know that I have ways to get in touch with my self whenever I need to, ways to make my feelings move. They don’t seem to be flowing right now, or maybe they’re flowing more than I could notice. And this has everything to do with a life of travel and an expat life.
I’M STILL NEW AT THIS, SPECIALLY NEW AT COMING HOME.
How weird it feels just to say that.
Yes, it feels bizarre. And no, you never get used to this, even when you know it’s been your choice and you’re utterly happy with your chosen life. I’m just trying to speak out loud here on an attempt to understand current feelings.
In the midst of all this, I feel incredibly grateful to my family: for every single hug, word, and even the difficult moments when I feel like crying out of love, confusion or happiness. Sometimes I’m able to express it right there at certain moments, some other times I just can’t and I have to swallow it. Yes, so so many feelings all at once.
I’m in Costa Rica until February, enjoying family time that I most certainly wanted and needed. My heart craved it and I’m here.
Funny things that happen? At times you feel like you don’t belong anymore. Conversations on daily stuff leaves you simply out of base sometimes…and it might hurt a little. It’s just the way it is as I can see so far. And then, you think of the place you feel like home in your heart, which is a different place now. Both things feel good.
HOME IS WHERE THE FAMILY IS BUT ALSO WHERE THE HEART IS.
Wait, what? Is it even possible to divide home or the heart in two? Is there some kind of percentage for this? Are you just a visitor now? Where’s the line to all of this? So many…questions? No. So many feelings!
And when it’s a first time like this, then it’s a lot heavier on the heart. Oh yes, I can tell so far. I’ll keep writing, thinking and observing as I enjoy my family time. While talking to a good friend going through the same thing these days she said: “we become observers more than we are part of the routine now”.
My family is certainly recharging my everything and it’s the best feeling ever. Most of the times they take me away from all those confusing thoughts just to love me and warm me up. Just to remind me that yes, life goes on, but if I’m here, life goes on with me in it. Happy and complete, no matter what confusing feelings are inside about the expat life and coming home for a lovely long holiday season.
This is all quite interesting and I’m certainly riding this wave, struggling at times, but mostly enjoying it the best way I can every single time and every single day. I’ll keep you posted. Maybe my current “thinking out loud” posts will be of help to someone out there, you never know.
Maybe just pouring feelings out is a good way to create waves of feelings among others, making them turn into words of love that will be poured out into the world.