I’m bored. I don’t know where this is going but I just woke up with a massive knot in the brain today.
No matter how early I woke up or what a nice breakfast I enjoyed with sun the shining outside the window.
I’m going through changes that are making me think and rethink many things, this blog included and the way I want to do this, but also the way I need to do things if I want to make them work.
The thing is that 8 months ago I began a travel-related journey, but also freelance-business related journey. I’ve mentioned it before, and I don’t want to mention it anymore. That’s how it feels. Maybe I’m writing this just for me, and for my brain to get around itself. But who knows, maybe you’ve been feeling similar things, even if for different reasons.
I just want to write. And the best way I know is through my own little journals, where I write like a teenager, freely, secretly, and openly like nowhere else.
It’s utterly liberating every time. They’ve been my companions on the good, the bad and the ugly. And boy have they taught and centered me every time.
I was just sitting down at my desk, starting the working day while thinking on business, ideas, plans, how to improve, and so on. I just can’t get through it right now. This is tough. Trying to build a business of your own is tough, however not impossible. I’m still going.
When I began this year project, I promised I’d share a weekly update here as I travelled around and on my attempt to make it grow and work. Well, turned out to be impossible to share updates every week. Makes me admire my blogger friends who constantly update their sites while actually growing them into a business too.
To me, emotions keep getting in the way. But I also love them! I invite them over for tea and we have long talks all the time. Sometimes more than we should but I’m learning. So I get unavoidably extended when I sit down and talk with them, ending up in different paths of my mind than I intended to in the first place when feeling like having to update this site weekly. It’s simply difficult even though I love it. But I still believe in it and I want to try and start all over again. Over tea time of course.
I’m still on the move, in England these days. Why? Love.
My path crossed with love a while back and I’m feel incredibly blessed to be able to build my partner-love life again after a failed marriage a few years ago. I’m happy like a unicorn riding a rainbow indeed! But this site will always remain mine and only mine. No blogging partners here. Not wise, I’ve learned.
I want to write freely like I do in my journals. Share life’s thoughts at times, and travel thoughts some other times. I want to think out loud, ask myself things, wonder about things, research and discover things on my own.
I want to share this journey as I keep trying to build an online business and while writing more ebooks (my first one is here). It’s highly demanding, yes, but today while showering I decided (and reminded myself) on how it works for me setting a board with my future goals, even if they seem impossible; the place I want to be in the future.
Next year I’m turning 35 and I want to be a morning person, but also a sports person, and also owner of my own little business that can sustain me.
We are not taught any of these things in med school, so I’m putting myself through a new department of life’s school. This time is no experiment even when it actually is, but I need to see it as something else so I can stick to it within time, for the sake of good habits. For different results I’m aware I need to have a different method this time.
I also want to update these journals frequently enough, as well as read frequently enough. I write on paper almost every day or night, and read a bit of a book daily too. This last task has been a particular challenge for many years. I blame med school and all the crazy non-stop reading that left me on reading denial, until lately…almost 10 years later!
Anyway, writing on journals feeds my soul, my brain, and keeps me simply sane.
Which by the way is a healthy little practice I recommend. Not to be kept in the long term if you don’t feel like it, but it certainly helps as a therapy method during specific periods of time or personal circumstance. Whatever you’re going through, listen to me, having a little journal where you can cry, scream, smile and be full of true joy out loud and for yourself only is the biggest, best, and healthiest thing you’ll do for yourself.
I want to be the writer who journals, the doctor who travels, the human who seeks better habits for a better life and shares findings on the way for others to use.
These are my most recent conclusions after moulding, changing and realising new things on the new way, the new chapter. Feels right and coming closer and closer to something that has no name but that has my name on it for sure.
I want to be the come-to writer on this blog, one that you enjoy because talks straight to you. I want to be someone you can relate to through these pages. I want to write and talk about things that we’ve all gone through, not just travel but about life. Things that I think are what matter. I want to talk taboos. I want to tackle and help tackle the deepest issues we’ve all got. More talking is only healthy.
We’re all one special, deep, and true story.
Mine could tell some fun stories in between those lines, probably stories that happen to everyone but to me they’re simply special because they’ve made me today’s Mariana and have brought me to this place (which by the way is an amazing and far distant one, not geographically, to any place I would’ve dreamed of in my life before this point).
I’ll go first. Most defining stories in the last five years of my life (2010-2015):
- A close friend and a cousin passed away both after having tragic car accidents, just two months apart. This made me start thinking on the value of the life we want and should look forward to, way before knowing how these events would change me a few years ahead.
- I had to go through vaginal surgery due to a lifetime of sexual pain. One day I decided to share that story here.
- I divorced. After four years of marriage, after eight years of a loving friendly relationship, after being able to fly to Spain, and live a lifetime dream, and finally, after hard and long emotional work, I realised it wouldn’t work. I had to finish it. Reasoning at this point meant more in a life time than staying in a dark place where both of us where just falling deeper into one big black hole. It was tough, sad and scary, but it had to be done.
- I went into the most amazing bubble of self discovery that allowed me understand so much more about life and myself. It’s being deliciously enlightening, and I really hope it keeps going. I took some trips that helped on the process.
- I learned to meditate. The calmness and lightness of body I get from it on my best meditating times has been wonderful. Unfortunately, I haven’t been doing it lately and I most definitely want to go back to that feeling and point. It comes really easy to me, that’s why.
- I decided I needed to leave my dream and take a one-year leave from work. My ideals (dreams and passions is too cheesy, dull and main stream; we can do better than that!) from back then had already changed, and I urged a break from it all for an unusually longer period of time. They accepted my one-year leave request at work. I prepared for it. I left my flat and my solo-living routine. I changed my mindset in unthinkable ways. Just time can tell, and it’s wonderful.
I left that life, convinced and excited like never before. On the way of a new temporary one-year life, I’ve found other dreams, better called ideas and desires, that fuels me even more than the one before. I’ve come to analyse this a lot, while trying to understand the shifts of things in life. I realised just recently (the latest event in this somehow chronological list) that I don’t want to go back to where I was living or working. It feels like a closing chapter closing. And it feels like I want that to happen, mostly because there are new things in my pursuable list of accomplishments. RAR! Yes. We need to love and cheer ourselves some more, not just being a tough critic of who we are every day in front of the mirror. That does no good to anyone!
Ah, the beauty of evolving. What would life be without changes and kicks in the ass?
Probably a boring or depressing one? Not sure. It’s quite personal and unique for each person. But it’s certainly one thing that we all need throughout life: change.
It’s been all good so far. I’m 8 months into my one-year leave. I’m writing and building things out of hope, ambition, determination and love for the main things that I do and the ones I want to create, to explore, and develop. I’m really hopeful, as in there-are-days-where-it-all-seems-impossible-to-reach-ever-so-just-drop-it-already. But then there are other days in which I learn something else about myself and the world. Something that makes me want to keep trying.
Please, tell me I’m not talking to a wall here. No need to literally send a message but simply go think about your current life for a bit. Does it need a change? Are you tired of something? Would you like to be doing something different? Or elsewhere?
Then, please, go do your relaxing thing for a little while. Treat yourself to coffee or an ice cream, or cake! Sit down somewhere green and fresh. Go think. Improve. Become a better you.